52 Weeks ~ A self portrait (4/52)

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This was a really tough assignment.

At first I convinced myself that it would be fun. I’d train the lens on myself, get some good light, get in really close, and see the me that everyone else sees. I’d capture the grey hairs coming in, the deepening wrinkles around my eyes and mouth, the ever-more crooked alignment of my eyes.

The self-portrait would be a warts-and-all revelation and I’d appreciate the grown woman I’d see in just the way I appreciate strong, aging, character-full women all around the world. Think of Maggie Smith’s beautiful bearing and face. Norma Waterson. Judi Dench.

And I’d fall in love with that me, the me I don’t imagine when I picture myself, perpetually 25.

Well, no. I didn’t fall in love.

Those brightly lit, close-up photos startled me. Who. Was. That?!

Clearly, those close-up shots are only for truly beautiful faces, smoothed with makeup, then further smoothed with Photoshop.

I took some more pictures, this time at more of a distance, and I gave myself the cover of darkness. The woman I saw then was still not the woman in my head, but she was closer. An older version, a version I could look at without wincing.

This is not an exercise I’m anxious to repeat, but it was good. I spent a day with my face. I smiled at myself. I made some crazy faces. I saw myself from the vantage of a stranger. I learned more about my camera. I summoned the bravery to post a picture of my own self on the Internet. And the world chugs on. Big deal. Move on. Who cares what I look like?

Have I done anything good today?

At nearly 47, I’m Uncle Vanya’s age. Old.
I’m Jane Kenyon’s age when she died. Far too young.

I’m still in the middle of it all, neither here not there, still etching my wrinkles and lines, still working on that older, confident woman I hope to someday be. And I’ve got lots to do.

52 Weeks ~ My favorite thing (3/52)

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My favorite thing? The thing I would grab in the middle of the night if the house were burning down?

I set myself a few ground rules:

  • it couldn’t be a person or a pet (of COURSE I would save those first from a burning house)
  • it had to be something I could carry in my own hands (that leaves out the house, the barn, the giant maple tree in the yard, the view out my bedroom window, the ocean)
  • it had to be a tangible thing (strike sunlight, the sound of the bamboo wind chime on a lazy Saturday, music, smiles, laughing with friends, the taste of a tomato pulled straight off the vine on a warm August day, the view from a summit, and the moment just before bed time, when there’s nothing left to do but lie down and rest)

Well, that eliminated a lot of options straight away.

I looked around the room. The camera was an obvious choice. Too obvious. Besides, as much as I love my camera (well, both of my cameras), I could buy a new one with the insurance money.

For a day, I seriously considered the one-handed gate latch on the main gate by the goat barn. Really, I love that thing. It’s made my life so much easier, when my hands have been full of hay or water buckets and I need to slip in and out of the gate quickly without letting curious goats escape.

I nearly settled on that, then remembered that it, too, could be easily replaced.

Next, naturally, I came to things that could never be precisely replaced because they were one-of-a-kind, either because they were acquired under such specific, unrepeatable circumstances, or given to me by people who were no longer around to give.

The last birthday gift my mother gave me: a beautiful whale-bone carving she bought on a trip-of-a-lifetime to Alaska.
The mah jong set my grandmother used for years and that I played with as a child.
Yellowed photographs of great grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, taken before the digital age and stored in shoe boxes and other flammable containers.
The cream and egg white whipper from M’s family; irreplaceable, unique, and perfectly suited to the job.
Little scraps of paper, notes, and poems that H has left me over the years.
A little plastic triangular-shaped ring that was the first thing that H held in her little baby hand.
Books. Books. Books. Inscribed, worn out, written in, dog-eared, reread, stained, carried everywhere.
The hunk of rock brought back from the Dolomites, the seashells, the river rocks, the nests, the colorful leaves, the branches-turned-walking sticks from a hundred hikes.

Uh oh. That’s getting to be a long list.

Listen, Rebecca, you have just bare minutes to grab something before the smoke and flames overwhelm you. What will you take?

I cheated a bit. Not one thing, but two.

A leather-bound, letter-press-printed, signed book of poetry, by my favorite poet, containing some of my favorite poems, including this one. A gift from M, when I was in grad school, and we could not afford such luxuries. But for poetry and love, you make some exceptions.

And, easily, because it’s on my hand already, the gold band on my left ring finger — made by a jeweler in Portsmouth, NH, who understood exactly how simple a ring I wanted; put on my finger in a round room in Bergen, Norway, by my sweetheart; worn nearly every day since, for going on twenty years; bearing the scars, scratches, and nicks that make up a life, including the time it had to be cut off my swelling finger after I broke my arm 10 days after H was born.

All else can be replaced.

One step: 52 weeks

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One little step to help me march through the year.

I’ve joined the LensProToGo 52 Week Photo Project where we’re given a photo assignment each week. This week’s assignment (due today) is to take a self portrait of yourself without you in it.

Hmmm.

My first thought was, “What?! I have no idea what to take a picture of!”

My second thought was a picture of my disaster of an office. But that would just be too shocking as my first entry.

My third thought was a picture of scattered somethings (seeds? toys? thoughts?) on the floor, and I still sort of like that idea.

Then I saw my bedside stack of to-be-read books and figured if anything represents me, that would pretty much sum it up: a love of words, a pile too big to handle easily, and a selection too eclectic to describe in one sentence.

When I downloaded my photos from my camera, this photo was rotated by 90º, and I liked it. M and I discovered that if we flipped it over 180º, even though it’s still on its side, it didn’t look anywhere as interesting. Something about the words on the spines being oriented the “wrong way” (for those of us in North America, anyway, used to reading book spines from top to bottom) made it look as if the books were floating.

Well… I’m a beginner and this sort of serendipty made me smile. I’ll take that.

The Project participants are posting their pictures to the Project Flickr page by the Sunday of each week; go check it out; there are some really amazing photos there. I’ll try to post mine here each week, too.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.